Mediation is a problem solving method in which a neutral and impartial third person (the mediator) helps the couple to resolve the difficult issues involved in separation and divorce.

Mediation is for

• Married couples who have made a decision to divorce
• Married or unmarried couples who want a separation
• Domestic partners who want a separation
• Divorced or separated couples with post divorce or separation disputes

Mediation is confidential, informal and much less expensive than conventional divorce processes. Mediated divorces are successful divorces because the couple (and not the attorneys or the judge) makes the final decisions about their future arrangements. When both parties agree to work together toward a common goal, time, money and emotional costs are considerably less than those of a typical contested divorce.

In a successful divorce or separation, you will

• Save thousands of dollars in legal fees
• Emerge from the divorce with your self respect intact
• Save months and possibly years of legal warfare and delays
• Continue to co parent your children
• Be able to move forward with your life
• Be committed to following your agreement with your "ex"
• Have methods for solving parenting or financial problems with your "ex" after the divorce or separation is final

I meet with both of you in my comfortable and private office. As your mediator, I will help identify the issues and possible solutions to those issues that you need to resolve for a successful divorce or separation. Typically these issues include a parenting plan, child support, alimony and division of your assets and liabilities. You will be guided through the decision making process to create agreements that work for both of you. After you have reached an agreement on all relevant issues, I prepare a detailed written document called a Memorandum of Understanding (the "MOU"). After you are satisfied that the MOU accurately sets forth your agreement, you bring it to your respective attorney for review. The MOU then forms the basis for the Property Settlement Agreement, which is filed with the court. If you are wondering if mediation is right for you, call 908-608-1414 or e-mail jkuskin@earthlink.net to arrange for a free 30-minute consultation for you and your spouse or partner.

A mediator helps the parties make their decisions. A mediator might offer creative alternatives to help you decide, but he or she does not make any decisions for you. An arbitrator, on the other hand, does make decisions for you. Each of you will discuss your issues, and then the arbitrator will present what he or she feels is the best solution. Usually, the parties agree ahead of time that they will be bound to the decisions of the arbitrator.

The issues to be decided for a separation are very different than those for a divorce.

If you have agreed to divorce but you are separating for a while before the divorce, you will need to agree on issues related to finances and to parenting, to be in place until your divorce hearing. The mediator can help you identify the issues that need to be agreed upon, and help you negotiate those terms.

If you are separating for a while in order to determine IF you want to get divorced, then an entirely new set of issues is involved. The separation period needs to have a process in place that is aimed at helping you determine the answer to the big question: "Do I really want a divorce?" If you simply live apart just to see what it's like, it is my observation that you will end up getting divorced.

In almost all cases, mediation takes much less time than litigation. Divorce mediation can take from three to fifteen sessions depending on each couple's commitment to the process and the complexity of the parenting and financial issues to be decided. Typically each mediation session lasts 90 minutes. We usually meet once a week or every two weeks until all decisions are completed. Each couple determines the pace and rate of progress.

The pace is set by you. There is not a preset number of sessions. It depends upon (1) the complexity of your situation, (2) how prepared each of you is for making decisions, (3) how well you communicate with one another.

For example, certainly there are more decisions to be made if you own a home rather than rent one. And, if young children are involved, the time is almost doubled. There are many decisions to be made concerning your children. Almost all of the decisions are easy to make, but there are lots of them, and they take time.

1. Basic information:
    Full (and maiden) names of all family members.
    Addresses, telephone numbers, email addresses.
    Marriage date, and birthdays of all family members.
    Social security numbers.
    Education, occupation, employer, income, benefits.
    A photo of your family
2. Assets & Liabilities:
    House: Approximate current market value. An appraisal is not needed at the first meeting.
    Mortgage: Mortgage company, account number, balance, date of balance.
    Bank accounts: Bank name, account name, account number, balance, date of balance.
    Investments: (details)
    Retirement and pension plans: (details)
    Non-term life insurance: Company, policy number, beneficiary, current cash surrender value.
    Loans: (details).
    Credit cards: Bank, account name, account number, balance, date of balance (for every credit card, including those with a zero balance).
3. Documentation:
    Federal tax returns and W2's for last 3 years.

Mediation can work for you if you are willing to look for a fair way to settle the issues that have to be decided. You don't have to be best friends to mediate. All you need is the willingness to have an agreement that you both can live with in the next phase of your life. Mediation gives you the opportunity to have your needs and wants discussed. Many couples find that mediation helps them to communicate better especially if they intend to co-parent their children.

Most mediation sessions are conducted with both of you present at the same time. However, there are times when it is advisable for us to meet in individual sessions. These individual sessions ( sometimes referred to as "caucuses" ) allow productive discussions to take place without the hostility that could develop between you and your partner. The matters that we discuss in these caucuses are confidential and will not be repeated to your partner or spouse unless you consent to their disclosure.

Mediation works for many couples even those who are very angry with each other. However, there are some situations when mediation is not a favorable alternative to litigation. For example, if you or your partner refuses to provide financial information about your joint assets or debts, a mutually acceptable division of property cannot occur. Or if you or your partner is unable or unwilling to make a decision, a fair and equitable agreement cannot be reached. Or if you do not feel free to speak your mind without fear of consequences, mediation cannot be successful.

Yes, unless the mediator learns of acts or threats of a dangerous or criminal nature that must be reported to the authorities, all discussions and offers of compromise and settlement made in mediation sessions are completely confidential. This means that if no final agreement is reached between you and your spouse or partner, the mediator is not permitted to disclose any of the communications made in connection with the mediation. Similarly, the mediator cannot be compelled to testify in court in a divorce action between you and your spouse. Most mediation sessions are conducted with both of you present at the same time. However, there are times when it is advisable for me to meet with each of you separately. The matters that we discuss in these individual sessions or caucuses are confidential and will not be repeated to your partner or spouse unless you consent to their disclosure.

• If one of you is unwilling to present all asset documentation, or is hiding any assets.
• If one of you has a goal of financially harming the other person.
• If one of you is unable to state what you need and negotiate while your spouse is sitting next to you. Sometimes, physically or emotionally abused people are best supported with an attorney.
• If one of you simply cannot make decisions or is unwilling to take responsibility for your decisions.

In fact, mediation is quite effective in situations where you might think otherwise. For example, if there is a lot of unrestrained anger, mediation is a much better alternative to using attorneys to litigate. Litigation tends to increase the anger, the threats, the attacks, while mediation tends to suppress them.

If a couple is already in a heated battle through their attorneys, totally switching over to mediation - midstream - is very effective in putting a halt to the aggression and helping the couple work together to resolve the issues more peacefully and more quickly.

The negotiation skills of each of you do not have to be equal. It is the mediator's responsibility to balance the negotiating and to protect each of you from being overpowered by the other.

The mediator would review your decisions with you, for two purposes:

1. Have you thought of everything? (For example, have you included a statement about survivorship rights in pension plans?)
2. Are there some alternatives to your decisions that you have not thought of?
3. Are your decisions equitable? (For example, an inheritance is not a marital asset, and you have the option of sharing it.)

Because you have written up everything yourself, your mediator would not need to write a Memorandum of Understanding. Instead, you could just edit your own document, based on the mediator's comments.

Disagreements can still arise after the divorce. Regardless of whether you used mediation before the divorce, mediation can still be used later. Perhaps one of you wants to change the amount of support being paid. Or maybe some item was omitted from the original agreement. The two of you are allowed to make decisions together without the use of lawyers or mediators or the court. However, if you cannot reach an agreement peacefully, then mediation probably will be able to help you.

The mediator prepares a very detailed document containing all of the agreements that the two of you make. This document is called a Memorandum of Understanding. It is anywhere from 5 10 to 15 pages. You would give this document to your attorney, and your attorney would prepare the necessary paper work to file your case with the courts. The time spent in coming to your agreements and the preparation of this document - done in mediation instead of through your attorneys - is where you are avoiding high attorney fees.

In New Jersey, one person cannot act as both your mediator and as your attorney. If you were to choose an attorney to handle your mediation, you would have to find another attorney to file your papers. Of course, you can file them yourself, but that is not recommended.

No. In New Jersey, the same professional cannot act as both your mediator and as your family law attorney. After you have completed your mediation sessions, I prepare a detailed document called a Memorandum of Understanding or MOU. This MOU describes all of the points and agreements that you reached in the mediation. It is usually about 10 pages long. One or both of you can give this MOU to your attorney for review. One of your attorneys will then use this MOU to prepare the necessary paper work to file in court. If necessary, your attorney may appear with you in court for a very brief appearance to finalize the divorce.

At the completion of the mediation, the mediator will prepare a document that details his/her understanding of what the two of you agreed upon. This is called a Memorandum of Understanding. It is not a contract, even though it might look like one. By state law, a mediator cannot write a contract for you. So, you would give the Memorandum of Understanding to your attorney, who would turn the Memorandum into a contract as part of your divorce filing.

No. The role of mediator is restricted to neutrality. The mediator cannot advocate or take sides for you or your spouse or partner. A mediator is not a substitute for having your own attorney. Your attorney's job is make sure that your legal rights are protected. Your attorney is trained to defend your individual interests under the law. This legal positioning may at times increase the conflict between you and your spouse or partner. The training to become an attorney and a mediator are very different. Mediators are professionals (from a variety of backgrounds) trained to act as neutral parties. The role of the mediator is to help the two of you communicate and reach an agreement. The mediator's role is to reduce the adversity and resolve the conflicts regarding issues of divorce and separation. Although the mediator may be familiar with divorce law (and in some cases is a divorce attorney for other couples in a conventional divorce), she or he may not offer legal counsel when mediating.

Since divorce involves legal questions, it is important for you to understand your legal rights before you agree to a settlement. In mediation, it is in each party's interest to seek independent legal counsel. The role of the attorney will be generally limited to providing legal advice, reviewing the agreements between you and your partner or spouse and preparing the legal documents to be filed with a court. It is important that the attorney you choose is "mediator friendly" and one that will not try to undo the work that you did in mediation. I can assist you in finding a "mediator friendly" attorney. If you so request, I am willing to speak to your attorney to clarify concerns that may arise in mediation. You are welcome to have your attorney accompany you to mediation sessions. Your attorney may provide you with guidance to resolve some of the necessary issues. However this may not be very cost effective because you will need to pay your attorney's hourly rate as well as the cost of the mediation session. Some couples prefer to do some independent legal research as well. It is best to follow up this research with legal review with a family law or matrimonial attorney before signing the agreement that resulted from mediation.

No. Unless mandated by a judge in a litigated divorce, mediation is completely voluntary. You and your spouse or partner is free to withdraw at any time and pursue your divorce through the traditional court system.

No. Mediation can occur at any point, before, during or after the separation or divorce. If you and your spouse or partner still have unresolved issues, it is not too late to begin mediation. Many couples begin mediation after they have been in litigation. They request that their attorneys put the process on hold while they explore whether resolution is possible through mediation.

Each of you will be hiring an attorney, in addition to your mediator. But your attorney's role is limited to providing legal advice, reviewing your agreement, preparing legal documents, and appearing with you at your hearing. Negotiations, though, are done with your mediator.

So, you'll have to interview attorneys to find one who you are comfortable with. You can interview attorneys in a telephone call. Some attorneys offer a free 1/2-hour consultation. Usually, you do not need to have your attorney in place before you begin mediation (unless immediate action is required in order to protect yourself physically or your assets from being drained away). You don't want to wait until the end of the process, either. I ask my clients to have their attorneys retained no later than half-way through the mediation process.

Here are some questions you can ask an attorney in a telephone interview:

1. How many divorces have you handled in the last year? [You must hire a matrimonial attorney!]
2. How do you feel about mediation? [Any negativity probably means you should call someone else.]
3. If we are using a mediator, what would your retainer fee be? [Should be between $1500 and $2500.]
4. What is your hourly rate? [Will probably be between $175 and $275.]
5. How do you charge for telephone calls? [Usually in 10- or 15-minute increments.]

Using the combination of attorneys and a mediator actually should be cheaper than using attorneys alone. If you were not mediating, the bulk of the attorney fees (probably 90%) would be from trying to resolve the issues between you and your spouse and making all of the decisions. But, that is the part that will be accomplished in mediation. So, you'd be paying your one mediator for that part instead of your two attorneys. And, the mediator will be less expensive because your negotiations will be much more efficient, using much less mediator time than you would have used attorney time - because the two of you are discussing the issues face-to-face.